Opening Up My Small Circle
In the past decade, autism awareness has become much more widespread than ever. However the depth and severity of this diagnosis and what it means for the people personally affected by it is still not a universal concept. To this day, I am still meeting people who have “heard” of autism, but have no idea what it looks like. People I have known my whole life sometimes still ask questions about how Nick’s brain functions. This makes me hesitant to open up to new people, and invite them closely into my life.
I have had the same friends my whole life, that I met in elementary and middle school. We have all grown up closely together, so they seamlessly fit into my family’s dynamic. I never worry about them getting scared if they see Nick throw a tantrum, and they understand why I may need to cancel on plans to keep an eye on him if he’s had a bad day. I have been so blessed to have such compassionate friends around me and I hold them on such a high pedestal, that I convince myself no one else will fit into Nick and I’s lives the way that they do. The reason these people are so understanding is mostly because they have known Nick for a very long time.
You can imagine how difficult it can be for me to try and explain my situation when meeting new friends. I can tell someone that my brother is autistic and they will know what that means, but the spectrum is so broad that it makes it easy to paint a picture of Nick in their heads without truly understanding who he is.
I am starting a new school at a University in the fall. I will be put in a position where I have no other choice but to make new friends. I will have to do something I like to call “friendship speed dating”, by going through the motions of asking where they grew up, what interests they have, and try to navigate who I am compatible with. Once I find the people who I believe I will end up becoming close to, I’m going to then have to give them the abbreviated explanation of Nick and how autism affects myself and my relationships. How will I be able to sum up the past twenty years of my life to someone I’ve just met over coffee in our little college town? When will be the appropriate time to bring this up? Certainty not in a fraternity house kitchen or at a sorority mixer. These are the anxieties I have pondered way too far in advance as a subconscious way to protect myself through scenarios that haven’t happened yet.
The older I get, the more I learn what qualities I value in a friendship, and why I have kept certain people close to me throughout my whole life. It will be nerve-racking and uncomfortable at first for me to add new friends into my world. However, through admitting my emotions of nervousness, I am trying to appeal to the positives of it all. Once I get past the initial barriers and let my guard down a little, I’ll be able to open up to new people who might just end up being in my life as long as my other friends have. In the next few months before I head off to start my new journey, I will be trying to turn these feelings of anxiousness into excitement. Rather than anticipating difficult conversations, I should focus on looking forward to introducing new friends to my old friends, my family (specifically Nick of course), and to potentially spread autism awareness to someone who hasn’t been familiar with it before.
